Homeward Bound

You ran off to a big, big city meet everyone, but you still feel small. Chasing a dream and you try to find your way. But deep down you know your small town is home.
-Audri & Aaron

I'm heading on home today to say good-bye to Derek. Friends and family will be coming from all over the US to, as Jessi put it, stoke Derek's ego one last time. As much as I love Portland, it will be so nice to be in that comfy, familiar setting with friends and family. I need a hug from mom. The downfall to this is that I think it will finally start sinking in that Derek's really gone, but I guess that's what I need. Talk to you soon. Love, -kp-

Portland, the Beautiful

I'm trying!!



People walking through the floral collage of the world in Pioneer Square.



Walking through Washington Park. Well, I huffed and puffed going up the hills in the park.



So I arrived here during the Rose Festival, unfortunately it's been so cold that this was the only variety of rose blooming when we walked through Washington Park. Oh well, better than nothing.



It's definitely a lifestyle here.



Flowers outside my friend's apartment. I'm staying with her until I can find a job and a place to live.

I'll post more photos soon. Love, -kp-

Goodnight Sweet Prince

Life is short.

The news is sinking in and my heart is breaking quickly. My good friend, Derek Arnold, has passed from this earth. His girlfriend, Jessi, who I have also known for more than ten years now, informed us that Derek passed peacefully and quickly early this morning after such a fight against cancer. Our greatest fears have been realized. My heart is breaking and my mind can't quite figure it out. This shouldn't happen. Since I found out a few days ago that's all I can think about. This shouldn't be happening. Not now, not him. He and Jessi should be getting married like I envisioned the other night. I dreampt of an event so joyous, so deserving for those two who are so full of love. Music and laughter and booze all in shades of gold and silver. A funeral is not part of the plan. This was never part of what we had all hoped and prayed for. Jessi should be coming down the aisle dressed in white, not black. Derek should be laughing, beer in hand, making light about something going on in the world. He just graduated three weeks ago. He had the strength to walk across that stage. He should be planning his next move, having his crazy "what the hell do I do now with this college degree??" moment. He should be freaking out about the stupid petty stuff like the rest of us. He should be feeling invincible like the rest of us. This shouldn't happen.

He was 24. He was a badass. We was ridiculously tall and always good for a hug. He was a person you could always count on to make you smile. He was a college graduate, something he had worked so hard for. He was the middle child in a set of five boys. He loved his family and everyone loved him as it's been apparent by the messages left on his and Jessi's facebook pages. I'm going home for the funeral on Friday and maybe that's when it will all sink in, when there's an empty chair next to Jessi. He was the "light" in her life. They were going to get married, start the next phase of their life together. They were going to get past all this medical jargon and frightening procedures and symptoms and they were going to live a blissfully normal life. You shouldn't die at 24.

This is the second time in five years that the fraternity has lost a brother to cancer. It's like deja vu. All this weekend, my sisters and friends who are here in Portland, kept reminiscing about Gabe and when he passed in 2006. We're all about to make that body and mind numbing pilgrimage back to where our friends came from. We'll all cram in a small car, in our best clothes with tissues in hand, to pay our respects to someone we lost much too soon. Until then, we have each other and that's what's getting us through. Love, -kp-

Daring To Move

Between who you are and who you could be / Between how it is and how it should be / I dare you to move.

-Switchfoot

I'm finally moving. Toward what exactly is still undecided, but a where has been chosen. In about 18 hours I will be landing in Portland to begin this new adventure trying to figure out what I want to do/be/see.

I've slacked off on my blogging this past year (obviously I made it out of Switzerland). It seems as though nothing I planned came out as I would have liked. After returning from Europe, I became obsessed with getting out of BTown any way I could. I decided to go back to university and finish my second degree (Spanish) and my minor (Int'l business) in hopes of making myself more marketable in the job field. I loved college and missed that environment (I know, I was just as shocked as anyone to find myself missing sitting in a classroom taking notes). I put in my notice at work and began making plans when my aunt, a career counselor, sat me down and tried to reason with me. As she pointed out, if I was going to try to improve my chances of landing that dream job (whatever that may be at this point), I needed to basically go big or stay at home. I needed to go for my masters. Problem is, most programs around here wanted my arm, leg, or kidney for tuition. I set my sights abroad: Australia.

I began dreaming about Australia after a sorority sister of mine told me about her sister getting her masters there. The program at the University of Queensland was one of the cheapest and most prestigious I could find. Smackdab in the hustle and bustle of Brisbane (pop. 2 million), it was ideal. It put me back into the city life I missed about Alicante, where I studied in Spain, as well as quenching my thirst for something fun, different, and possibly stupid. I needed to take a risk there or risk dying of sheer boredom back home. I applied, got accepted (who knew being American was aparently 'exotic' and just what a university was looking for??), started crunching numbers, and talking with an old high school friend who lived down there. Then came the winter and eastern Australia suddenly became one big swimming pool. The floods began to creep in around Brisbane, finally taking over parts of the city where UQ is located. I watched the cost of living go up. I began to seriously look at how long it would take for me to pay back my student loans (approx. $30,000 in just tuition fees as well as the costs of getting me to Australia and dealing with a currency conversion that was, once again, not in my favor). The more I crunched the numbers, the more I realized that, unless I want to travel again before I am 50, this would not work out at the moment. I like the idea that I can marry rich, however I don't want that to be my only option.

So, once again, I was screwed and still stuck in BTown.

Around this same time, I flew to Portland for the weekend to visit my good amiga, Jessica. Jess and I are pretty similar in our wanderlust, love of everything from Spain, and knowledge that there is more to life (at least for us anyways) than can be found back home. Each time I've visited Jess and our friends, I've been drawn to the lifestyle found over there. It's not about settling down and having kids, these people are about careers and traveling and living in the moment. I know that this kind of lifestyle isn't for everyone, the same way settling down isn't for me, but I am pulled toward this creative outlet. During this trip and in the month that followed, all I thought about was Portland and what I could make of myself over there. So, I'm finally taking that leap. It may have not been my first choice, but it's where I feel like I need to be. I'm going to miss my friends over here tremendously, you guys have been my saving grace these past two & a half years. You've kept me alive, sane, and caffinated, and for that I'll be forever grateful. I've become so reliant on my family again too. I'm going to miss singing in the car with my dad, girls' days with mom, lunch every Friday at the Stagecoach with grandpa. I'm going to miss this feeling of comfort and contentment, but I need to go. Some of my friends have questioned why I'm going. Some of flatout said it was a bad idea. To them, I throw out this song lyric because it's the only thing that seems to make the most sense to me.

"It's gotta get better it can't get worse / Hope it's a blessing not a curse / I don't care who passes judgement on my reasons / I know staying's worse than leaving"

-Sunny Sweeney

So here we go, folks. I'm leaving to find a job and a place to live (so I can move off of Jess' couch) and most importantly, find something that makes sense. I don't know if I'll succeed in finding whatever it is I need, but I'm going to try. I'm daring myself to move, even if it's just a few hours away. Talk to you soon.

-kp-